Provocative comments on saving your marriage.

Why not have men take a sense of primarily responsibility if their marriage is headed for dissolution or just isn’t good?

Is it really that bad if men have to feel guilty over something that may be their fault or feel bad over something that may only be partially their fault (but they still share some culpability)?  The worse that could happen is that a small group of men, which I believe is a very small minority, would feel bad over marriage problems that are not at all their fault.

The issue here is that psychologists have taught us that guilt is bad.  This is a truly untenable notion.  Without guilt and feeling bad, marriages can never move onto the correct the course.  If you are a man and your marriage is in trouble you ought to feel bad, worry about divorce, and take on whatever guilt you need to motivate you to set things right.

For years, thanks to the old psychologists, women were blamed for any negative outcomes in their children.  If a son was a criminal, mentally ill, or an under-achiever the mom was made to feel somehow responsible.  Psychologist correctly erased this ill-assigned guilt.  But when the new psychologists erase marital guilt it’s a natural disaster.  Divorce becomes an acceptable part of our national consciousness.

Whenever you talk to divorced or divorcing couples they will always point out that marriage is a two-way street or it takes two to tango.  Even when they are primary causing agent in the divorce (like being actively involved in an affair) they will point out that it a two-person issue.  That translates, “even if I take responsibility for the affair and admit that I am 95% to blame because of the affair, my spouse is still to blame for their 5% which made me have the affair.”  No one is ever guilty in this scenario.  The danger is that men rarely feel the guilt, because whatever they do wrong is mitigated by any faults (however minor) on the other side. 

Thankfully there are still some men who feel the guilt and come in for counseling.  If the sense of responsibility is great enough they will make positive changes and turn their marriages around.  Yet many of my male clients come in for counseling and do not make changes because “it’s a two way street” and “she isn’t fulfilling her end of the bargain as I define it.”  It seems to me that if men took a position that they are 100 responsible for what happens in their marriage, marriages would be a lot better.  I have seen some miraculous marriage turnarounds.  On the other hand some men might feel more than their fair share of guilt – but some guilt never killed anyone.  It usually leads to religious sentiment which is a good thing.

If you have been to one of my seminars or classes, you would know that I stress that husbands should love their wives.  It is like a broken record.  I do this because the Bible commands us to love our wives.  In most cases we all took a vow before God and others to do just that:  love our wife.

But, does loving our wife really work?  Yes it does.  Let me give you some explanation.  Especially for those who feel they have tried "love" and found it lacking.

Love is a verb.  Many of us feel they love their wife, or do so inwardly, but actually stopped showing love - by action - a long time age.  Many who complain, are basing the complaint on old data.  I tried (in the past, years ago), and now it is not working.  People change.  Both you and your wife have changed.  Husbands NEED TO ASK THEIR WIFE how to demonstrate love in the present and then actually do that loving behavior.  Thirteen years ago she wanted you to do the dishes.  Don't start doing them today and expect for love to work.  Find out that she needs you to do today.  Ask her.  Get the new list, such as; pay attention to your kids, stop watching tv, fix the house or car, take her on a date, etc, and then try those activities ASAP.

What if she doesn't deserve my love?  Another complaint involves the wife not respecting the husband first.  You should go first whether she deserves it or not.  Christ sought us and died for us when did not deserve it either.  We most model Christ by loving our wife when she does not deserve it.  Have you looked in the mirror lately?  Neither me nor my wife really deserve love, but we desparptely need it.  Your wife needs your love regardless of how she is "measuring up".  Maybe the respect will start when you start loving her.

What if my wife doesn't do anything I want her to do.  She doesn't do the laundry, make meals, have enough or any sex with me, etc.  Leaders are leaders because they lead.  They go first.  You start by doing the things she most desires (find out what that is) and then wait.  If you love first it will work.