
Family Articles by DR. Bob Barnes
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Welcome to the web site of Dr Don McCulloch
When guilt is good
Provocative comments on saving your marriage. Why not have men take a sense of primarily responsibility if their marriage is headed for dissolution or just isn’t good? Is it really that bad if men have to feel guilty over something that may be their fault or feel bad over something that may only be partially their fault (but they still share some culpability)? The worse that could happen is that a small group of men, which I believe is a very small minority, would feel bad over marriage problems that are not at all their fault. The issue here is that psychologists have taught us that guilt is bad. This is a truly untenable notion. Without guilt and feeling bad, marriages can never move onto the correct the course. If you are a man and your marriage is in trouble you ought to feel bad, worry about divorce, and take on whatever guilt you need to motivate you to set things right. For years, thanks to the old psychologists, women were blamed for any negative outcomes in their children. If a son was a criminal, mentally ill, or an under-achiever the mom was made to feel somehow responsible. Psychologist correctly erased this ill-assigned guilt. But when the new psychologists erase marital guilt it’s a natural disaster. Divorce becomes an acceptable part of our national consciousness. Whenever you talk to divorced or divorcing couples they will always point out that marriage is a two-way street or it takes two to tango. Even when they are primary causing agent in the divorce (like being actively involved in an affair) they will point out that it a two-person issue. That translates, “even if I take responsibility for the affair and admit that I am 95% to blame because of the affair, my spouse is still to blame for their 5% which made me have the affair.” No one is ever guilty in this scenario. The danger is that men rarely feel the guilt, because whatever they do wrong is mitigated by any faults (however minor) on the other side. Thankfully there are still some men who feel the guilt and come in for counseling. If the sense of responsibility is great enough they will make positive changes and turn their marriages around. Yet many of my male clients come in for counseling and do not make changes because “it’s a two way street” and “she isn’t fulfilling her end of the bargain as I define it.” It seems to me that if men took a position that they are 100 responsible for what happens in their marriage, marriages would be a lot better. I have seen some miraculous marriage turnarounds. On the other hand some men might feel more than their fair share of guilt – but some guilt never killed anyone. It usually leads to religious sentiment which is a good thing.
By: Don McCulloch
Posted Date: 02/23/2008
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One of the Hardest Marriage Verses
Quick! What is one of the most difficult Bible verses to follow in your marriage? For many the answer to that question is found in the middle of the “love” chapter, also known as I Corinthians Chapter 13. Here is the section to which I refer: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (v. 5-7 NIV). All of these descriptions are difficult for men. Patience is everybody’s problem. Anger seems an emotion all too familiar to husbands. But for me the clincher is “keeps no record of wrongs”. That is a deal-breaker right there. What if my wife does something really bad? What if she has long track record of repeatedly doing things that offend me? Elsewhere I have encouraged husbands to see themselves as prophets, priests, and kings in the spiritual sense, in their marriage. A key feature of a good king is his ability to look past a sin or transgression. Kings can do this. They can commute sentences and cancel debt. They can even choose to treat those unworthy as worthy members of his kingdom. This is a model of grace. This exactly what God the High King of Heaven does for us. He looks past our sin every minute of the day. We don’t even belong in His presence, but because of His Son Jesus, he treats us like friends. Look past your wife’s transgressions and treat her as a friend
By: Dr. Don McCulloch
Posted Date: 09/02/2007
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Does Love Really Work?
If you have been to one of my seminars or classes, you would know that I stress that husbands should love their wives. It is like a broken record. I do this because the Bible commands us to love our wives. In most cases we all took a vow before God and others to do just that: love our wife. But, does loving our wife really work? Yes it does. Let me give you some explanation. Especially for those who feel they have tried "love" and found it lacking. Love is a verb. Many of us feel they love their wife, or do so inwardly, but actually stopped showing love - by action - a long time age. Many who complain, are basing the complaint on old data. I tried (in the past, years ago), and now it is not working. People change. Both you and your wife have changed. Husbands NEED TO ASK THEIR WIFE how to demonstrate love in the present and then actually do that loving behavior. Thirteen years ago she wanted you to do the dishes. Don't start doing them today and expect for love to work. Find out that she needs you to do today. Ask her. Get the new list, such as; pay attention to your kids, stop watching tv, fix the house or car, take her on a date, etc, and then try those activities ASAP. What if she doesn't deserve my love? Another complaint involves the wife not respecting the husband first. You should go first whether she deserves it or not. Christ sought us and died for us when did not deserve it either. We most model Christ by loving our wife when she does not deserve it. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Neither me nor my wife really deserve love, but we desparptely need it. Your wife needs your love regardless of how she is "measuring up". Maybe the respect will start when you start loving her. What if my wife doesn't do anything I want her to do. She doesn't do the laundry, make meals, have enough or any sex with me, etc. Leaders are leaders because they lead. They go first. You start by doing the things she most desires (find out what that is) and then wait. If you love first it will work.
By: Dr. Don McCulloch
Posted Date: 08/19/2007
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DENIAL
Denial has always fascinated me as a psychologist. You first see this with clients with addiction problems. "You've been drinking again". "I have not!". Most addicts spend a lot of time denying have a problem. But denial also shows up in many Christian marriages. The senior pastor with the anger problem. He's in denial but his wife and the church staff see it clearly. The youth pastor with a lust problem. Only his wife knows for sure, or the senior high girl who is on the recieving end of his stares. The story of Nabal in the Bible is worth a read. It is found in Chapter 25 of the book of 1 Samuel. Nabal's name means fool, and he is has a big case of denial. King David comes to him looking for support and he blows off God's annoited in a very arrogant manner. Not a good idea. His good wife Abigail then has to covertly save his life. The denial part of the story comes from reading between the lines of the story. The Bible tells us that Abigail is both wise and beautiful. It is not hard to speculate that Abigail has often tried to share her wisdom with this blockhead - but no doubt he was too thick to take her counsel in the past. In this incident with David she doesn't even try to talk to him....she knows her husband all too well. So Nabal remains in denial. He is in denial over the importance of David. That is stated in the text. But more importantly he is in denial over the eternal consequences of his arrogance. So God himself ends Nabal's denial the way it often ends...with a heart attack after a night of drinking too much. What's your marriage denial problem? Anger, lust, arrogance or something else? Be careful the consequences of denial are often severe.
By: Dr. Don McCulloch
Posted Date: 06/03/2007
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It's Futile
When my father was upset he used to go in our garage and sweep. I had a client who built a movie theater out of his garage and everyday after work he spent his time watching pornography. This did not please his wife or family. Many of my clients have issues with looking at or reading pornography on the internet. So, I thought I would occasionally address the topic.
I live in Florida and I love to grow stuff. Citrus and tomatoes grow well in Florida. I love apple trees, but it would be futile to grow an apple tree in Florida. It just would get nowhere – no matter much time and money I invested in the process. That is exactly what it is like with pornography. You know the outcome already. The end is futile lust – and the end is always the same. Jesus said that bad trees cannot produce a good crop. All the money, time, and mental investment in viewing pornography will only produce the same lonely outcome. It’s futile.
The definition of idiocy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Nothing good will ever come out of pornography. You may protest that it produces an interest in sex in your tired body – which you tell yourself is good for your sex life. The only problem is that you actually light-years away from your spouse. You are committing mental adultery and that is not any more exciting for her than the guy in the garage.
Here’s my suggestion. Flee immorality. Stay away from pornography wherever you find it. And whenever you are tempted say to yourself in a indigent voice, “It’s futile”. Repeat it several times until you feel convinced. Then go sweep your garage out.
By: Dr. Don McCulloch
Posted Date: 11/17/2006
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Give Her a Break
In the month of May there is always a lot of talk about what to do for our spouses on Mother’s Day. If you really want to do something special and actually meaningful – do this: commit to giving her Sundays off for the rest of your marriage.
The biggest problem I see my in counseling with couples these days is simply that people are too busy. Everyone is stressed and burnt out. This places a very big toll on our relationships. We are too tired for a decent sex life, we fight and quarrel due to sheer exhaustion, we eat on the run in an unhealthy manner, and often just don’t have time to communicate and plan properly. This is especially true when a husband and wife both work. It is usually the wife who is also doing double duty with domestic responsibilities hence our wives are simply exhausted and so it follows as above; no sex, no good home cooked meals, and no good time of talking.
I read an article in the May 16, 2006 USA Today which described a town in California that was encouraging the voluntary elimination of all activities on Monday nights so that families could just be at home together; no church, no sports, no meetings, etc. The article also gave the quote that “people have lost the art of doing nothing”. Perhaps this is what your marriage needs – nothing!
When counseling overly time committed couples, I often wish I could stop our sessions and order them to take a nap. Come back and see me after you have slept for say, three days. In Kindergarten our teachers used to make us take naps. In the Ten Commandments, God does the same. He says that everyone needs one day a week to rest and honor Him. We respond restlessly, just like we tried to do on those mats in Kindergarten. This is probably the most blatantly ignored commandment. We can’t possibly follow this command because we are too busy. So, we never rest and our marriages suffer. What does that Commandment actually say? Deuteronomy 5:12-15 says:
12 "Observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy, as the LORD your God has commanded you. 13 Six days you shall labor and do all your work, 14 but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your ox, your donkey or any of your animals, nor the alien within your gates, so that your manservant and maidservant may rest, as you do. 15 Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the LORD your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore the LORD your God has commanded you to observe the Sabbath day. (NIV, from Bible.com).
Notice that the above commandment is speaking to the man of the house. It is extolling him to get everyone and even the animals in line with the command. Today’s husband who wants to have a successful marriage would do well to do the same. Stop all work on Sunday (or one day a week), go to church together, worship God, read and pray together, relax and sleep. Tell the kids if you have them that mom will not be cooking, not chauffeuring, shopping or generally running around. If you are working couple – no business work for either of you until after sundown. This leaves time to do the things undone above. Amazing how God thought of that. He stated that He “rested” after His work of creation (see Genesis 2:1-3). Of course He didn’t need to rest; He was just setting a pattern for us to follow for our own good.
Taking your wife out on Mother’s Day or giving her the day off is actually a big rip-off.
By: Dr. Don McCulloch
Posted Date: 08/31/2006
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